Thursday, May 31, 2012

A little giggle

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower.

The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire
and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as
though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all!!!

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside-down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.
Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time.
I beg to differ!!!!

Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go..... I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.... but Dad always had those crappy chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!’, I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!!!!!!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.

Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die ..... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas.
It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the
number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.


Saturday, May 19, 2012

After 2AM and still awake

Okay so what do you do when you've been up since 3AM yesterday and its now after 2AM and your still awake?  Went for a drive from midnight till 1:30...ain't helped.  Just can't seem to lay in bed.  Its a little nerve wracking to say the least.  Just ain't happening.  Tried a little bit of everything, hoping something would work.  So if I nod off half way through this you'll know something must have worked.  Eyes burn, head swims, really would like some sleep.  Maybe I want it too much.  Sex used to do it.  Damn, I really am getting old!  I've read, watched TV, even tried some warm milk...that sucked!  I'm just pacing the floors.  Tried making myself busy with some things to get my mind off it.  Fixed the rack in the bathroom that had screws turning loose from the wall.  Tried working in the garage...that was gonna be more chore than I wanted.  What, just go ahead and stay up?  Thought about that.  What dire things can happen from lack of sleep?  Kinda gettin' tired of this.  No already tired just not sleeping.  Wondered if beer could be the answer.  Ain't really done much of that since I got out of the service, didn't care much for the hangovers.  Oh well, I'll let you know what happens.  Might pass on any words of wisdom that could help this situation, course you probably won't be answering until sometime tomorrow and that ain't gonna help me now.  But thanks anyway.


Monday, April 16, 2012

Wow...2 in 1 day

Second Life

Well, I guess I died that night. The night that she did. And the split second after, I guess I started my second life. Couldn’t call it living though, more like just existing. Wasn’t really looking forward to having much of a life without her. Didn’t care about much anymore. I had promised to take care of her kids. They were all but grown and not really looking for Dad’s help much anymore. None too sure I was going to have much to look forward to. Not morbid, just fact. Couldn’t see me in that dating mode again. Too much water under the bridge, too many memories. I was caught in that whirlpool of self-pity and spiraling down toward depression. Next stop... Well, wasn’t real sure about that either. Had figured, if she could, she’d save me a good place for my rocking chair on a great big veranda somewhere. Was looking forward to that. Knew what lay ahead that way, just had trouble focusing my bifocals. I have always heard about second chances. Someone, somewhere who had made a mistake or two was to get a new beginning, slate rubbed clean, new watercolors to paint their canvas of life. I never made those mistakes, I didn’t think, so I didn’t need, want or deserve a second chance. I was happy with the first one. She was always there when I woke in the mornings and always there beside me when we killed the lights at night. Not a bad plan if you asked me. But... now that could be a big word (and some I’ve seen have been), she was my Goldilocks and the three bears, juuuust right. She prodded when I needed a push, she cradled me when the tears came and she always helped me see the light. Well, you get the picture. I could sing her praises from now till Doomsday but maybe I’ll just keep them under my breath lest this get a tad too mushy. Oh yeah, my second life. Where do I get to say Geronimo and pull my ripcord? Lord, save me from having to deal with a second life.

Robert Lea Lovejoy

We Did It

Yep, she's married off and with no rain but a heck of a lot of wind.  We survived.  It was an outdoor wedding and she and her sisters worked really hard to pull it off.  It was beautiful, despite the wind.  I even got to limber up the pipes and sing.  All was right with the world. 
New hubby is a nice kid and seems like he is ready to take good care of her.  She's gonna need that 'cause she is pregnant.  And then the big reveal.  The carving of the cake was to be the revelation of the gender for this new life, pink if a girl and blue if a boy.
Well, looks like another stinkin' boy to me!  But we'll love the little twerp all the same.  That'll be 6 grandsons and 1 granddaughter.  Man!  Found out from his dad that they have a little Indian blood in their history, Choctaw.  It oughta go well with her mother's bloodline, it's Cherokee.  Wish them a long and happy life together, as a rapidly expanding family.


Sunday, April 8, 2012

Projects, projects, projects

Yeah, that's right DAD can you help me out with one more thing?  Soft touch me I had four girls I tried to teach how to mechanic and carpenter and fixit but sometimes it took sometimes it didn't...sooo
Dad...get the picture.  Speaking of pictures this one is of a little project for my youngest who is gettin' hitched next weekend.  The game she wanted was called "connect four" but she wanted it ginormous...4 feet by 4 feet to be exact.  With a little help we managed to concoct the thing with a few things shy of perfection (measure twice, cut once).  But it functions and that was half the battle and it kept me occupied so I wouldn't complain about all my aches and pains.  Old age ain't for sissies!  Anyway here 'tis.

Of course I lost the first game!  Can't really tell the color differences so I'll help...light blue, light green.  Daughters and her future husbands initials were added to help with ID's.  That'll work.
Wish them two luck on their future together.  Baby's due in Sept.


Saturday, April 7, 2012

Just rememberin'

Started out this morning remembering a time not too long ago when the kids and their hubbies were a lot younger and without kids.  Man they look like babies.  Now I got 6, 5 boys and one girl and one on the way.  I'm aging fast I tell ya'.  Have already outlived my Dad, he was 64.  And I also had the thought that I have lived longer without my wife than I had with her, just 32 years.  WOW!  Anyway this heres a pic to me and the youngsters dressed up down at the stockyards in Fort Worth.  Rough looking bunch huh?

Then in my browsing I found this little ditty.  Now don't laugh too hard you might strain somethin'.

Surrounded by this passel of women is it any wonder that I spent a lot of time out in the garage or doing yard work or just anything to get out of the house on occasion.  Oh well, I loved 'em all and even the grandkids they gave me.  Youngest is gettin' hitched next weekend, ought to be another memory, she's even letting me sing!

Well I guess thats enough for now we'll try again another time.


Tuesday, February 28, 2012


Well I dood it!  Yep ain't had a car payment for a couple of months and danged if I didn't go get one...what, just couldn't stand not having one...who the hell knows.  Okay the real story, my mother cracked a head on hers and was dumping oil into her radiator so it was over heating really bad and cousins were looking for her a replacement but then I came up with an idea.  Why not give her my paid off one and get me another monthly payment.  Great Idea!  Well nobody ever accused me of being real smart!  Anyway this is what I got.

Like it, like it a lot, guess I better now I gotta pay for it but at least it was cheaper a month than my last one!  And mama has something to run to the store and her water exercise class.  Kinda wonder at 92 how much longer she is gonna drive, could get interesting huh?
Neighbor said why didn't ya' get a red one, I said this was as close as I could get!
Oh well she took care of me for a while, guess its payback time.


Sunday, February 19, 2012

Family News

Yep, we are increasing.  We had a brunch a while back and the youngest daughter laid some unexpected news on us.  She's pregnant and due in September.  My first question, "well when are you getting married?"  April 14 was decided on.  That's gonna be 7 grandkids in 4 years.  Guess they finally figured it out over at those baby factories.  That's okay with me...I can spoil 'em and send 'em home!  Was kinda just hopin' to stick around long enough that they remember me.  Wow, I must be gettin' old!

In other news...I'm still mowing the danged grass.  Guess I'll get to mow year round this year.  Well at least I won't have to pay the yard guys.  This new mower will be paid off in a bit and it really cuts down on the time I'm mowing (no pun intended).  Met a guy who had a zero turn mower like mine and 3 and a half acres to do.  Said the riding mower took 3 hours.  New one cut it in 52 minutes!  Wow now that's mowing!  Hang on boy, this'un will be a wild ride.  I bought the mulching attachment for mine so it don't spit out nothing to have to rake up.  Works pretty good. 

This here is the youngest cowpoke in the family, Everett, I bought him that hat, his mama made him wear those red boots.  He looks the part for the Stock Show.

Well, this appears to be all the damage I can do on this occasion so I'll just mosey on.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Still mowing in January!

Well here we are in January of a brand new year...and I'm still mowing the grass!  This is crazy, dangedest thing I ever see'd.  Made a little video, hope it loads and you can just see that I really needed to mow.  Man I like this new mower, got it for no finance charges for 36 months and should have it paid off way before then.  Crazy!  Took my mother north to see her older sisters yesterday.  Mary Nell, 99, Dudley, 95 and my mother Pat 91.  There's some longevity there somewhat.  Heard a story of Ben's mother that ran off with one of my uncles when they were supposed to be somewhere else!  Scandolous!

Well I guess we're having a big family get together for "brunch" tomorrow, I guess I can eat anytime there's food!  I think there's some exciting news to come out of this family affair.  I'll be in touch when I learn something.