Ouch!

Dear Friends,



My wife Renee is fond of saying that my last words on

this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold

my beer and remote, watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once

again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime

movie in the near future. Here goes.



Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and

Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is

easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Renee. The

occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little

something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a

100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of

you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal

stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant

with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee

to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no

long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate

time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a

slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck

geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're

truly missing out--way too cool!



Long story short, I bought the device and brought it

home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn

thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so

disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't

need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my

chagrin that this particular model would not create an

arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love

fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the

button, however, and pressed it against a metal

surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity

darting back and forth between the prongs that I was

so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a

blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!!

Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your

information, but I have yet to explain to Renee what

that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.



Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking

to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only

two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat

Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the

directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really

needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit

I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought

better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was

going to give this thing to Renee to protect herself against a mugger,

I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I

wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.



So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top

with my reading glasses perched delicately on the

bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer

in the other. The directions said that a one-second

burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a

two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms

and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst

would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground

like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at

this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than

3/4 inch wide, pretty cute really, andloaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries).

Thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin'way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.



What happened next is almost beyond description, but

I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have

got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'msitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head

cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it, buddy,"

reasoning that a one-second burst from such a

tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational

thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to

give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You

know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always better than twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)



I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the

button, and HOLY **************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm

pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the

front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then

body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I

vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal

position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be

found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my

body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over

me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,

licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do

it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel

compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of

caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst

when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of

that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent

thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't

dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as

time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what

little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading

glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there???

My triceps, right thigh, and both titties were still twitching. My face

felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed

88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.



By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they

ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather

large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so

myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

Just to be Home for Christmas



I been followin’ that same bright star for three nights in a row,
That there moon’s been just a sliver of light, while them stars give off a warm glow.

I done my travelin’ cross this injun country under the cover of night,
Hopin’ not to attract ‘em none and just to keep outta sight.

That big one up there ahead of me has helped me stay on track,
She’s showed me straight ‘n true, while I just clung to this horse’s back.

If I can just keep movin’ cross this "staked plain," I‘ll be home inside a week,
‘N I’ll get to see my family one’st more on the banks of that Sweetwater Creek.

That old soddy I had built for her must be ‘bout ready to fall,
I been gone almost a year, I had heard my country’s call.

I’ll be danged if I don t seem to recall a story my Ma used to tell,
‘Bout a gal way off in a foreign land who weren’t doin’ too well.

She didn’t find much more that a soddy when she come into town that day,
She was just lookin’ to have her baby right there in that stable’s hay.

‘N how the sky was lit by a big bright star ‘n how some people gathered ‘round,
To bring her babe a gift or two as if it was a "king" they’d found.

I think perhaps that young mother must be smilin’ down on me,
‘Cause I think that star seems brighter that it has a right to be.

This scruffy top of an old pine tree ain’t made the trip too good,
But it ought to thrill them younguns even if it ain’t much more than firewood.

It seems I should give a thank ya’ for the blessin’s I have had,
‘N ask forgiveness for all the grief I give my Mom ‘n Dad.

I ain t got much myself that you could say would make me rich,
Just this ol’ cayoose who can rub his rump when he has an itch.

I know I ain’t no wise man, I wear no crown like I was king,
Just this ol’ worn out Stetson that don’t seem to mean a thing.

‘Cept I have filled it with cool water to give my horse a drink,
‘N worn it low when rainin’ ‘n for them it works good, I think.

But I figure my biggest blessin’ is the one that star’s guidin’ me to,
That ol’ dirt floor soddy with my family to name a few.

If I can just make it home by Christmas Eve, I’ll be plum full of joy,
Just to throw these here arms around their Ma ‘n then each little boy.

‘N to remember long ago ‘n far away, a lonely, frightened mother,
Who gave the world a baby boy who just asked us to love one another.

So as the snow is gettin’ deeper, I’ll just keep followin’ that same bright star,
‘N ask that it just warm that homestead, till I can get to where they are.

Robert Lea Lovejoy

Well with old Ben gone I ain't had much desire to do this anymore but his passing has left me with time on my hands so maybe I'll give it a try again.  Drove by his place a few months back and someone has bought it and moved right on in.  Got to say I miss him and his place. 

Enough of that...welcomed another grandkid into the fold not too long ago.  Well, I say not too long ago but his mom sent video of him taking off on his own and walking right across the floor so its been a while.  Got a name he'll have to grow into, it's Duke.  Been teaching him hat(since I always wear one) and nose(since one's on my face and his) and he'll get the hang of that too before too much longer. 

Switched to Uverse for my tv, internet and land line.  Can't say the experience has been swell since they took two weeks to get it done, but its done now and everything works at least. 

Tried visiting the National Archives to do a little genealogy this week.  My wife had a great something or other lady they called squaw woman because she was supposed to be Cherokee but can't find anything on her parents or siblings or anything except her name and relationship and her husband and kids names.  Born in 1875 and married in 1890(that's 15 if you're keeping score).  So if anyone has more expertise in this regard drop me a line, could use the help.

Well I guess this has been easier than pulling hen's teeth so I'll cut her loose for this time.  Ya'll be good now ya'hear!

Windybob

A little giggle

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower.

The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire
and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as
though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all!!!

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside-down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.

Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time.
I beg to differ!!!!

Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go..... I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.... but Dad always had those crappy chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!’, I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!!!!!!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.

Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die ..... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas.
It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few
things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the
number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
Windy

After 2AM and still awake

Okay so what do you do when you've been up since 3AM yesterday and its now after 2AM and your still awake?  Went for a drive from midnight till 1:30...ain't helped.  Just can't seem to lay in bed.  Its a little nerve wracking to say the least.  Just ain't happening.  Tried a little bit of everything, hoping something would work.  So if I nod off half way through this you'll know something must have worked.  Eyes burn, head swims, really would like some sleep.  Maybe I want it too much.  Sex used to do it.  Damn, I really am getting old!  I've read, watched TV, even tried some warm milk...that sucked!  I'm just pacing the floors.  Tried making myself busy with some things to get my mind off it.  Fixed the rack in the bathroom that had screws turning loose from the wall.  Tried working in the garage...that was gonna be more chore than I wanted.  What, just go ahead and stay up?  Thought about that.  What dire things can happen from lack of sleep?  Kinda gettin' tired of this.  No already tired just not sleeping.  Wondered if beer could be the answer.  Ain't really done much of that since I got out of the service, didn't care much for the hangovers.  Oh well, I'll let you know what happens.  Might pass on any words of wisdom that could help this situation, course you probably won't be answering until sometime tomorrow and that ain't gonna help me now.  But thanks anyway.

Windy

Wow...2 in 1 day

Second Life

Well, I guess I died that night. The night that she did. And the split second after, I guess I started my second life. Couldn’t call it living though, more like just existing. Wasn’t really looking forward to having much of a life without her. Didn’t care about much anymore. I had promised to take care of her kids. They were all but grown and not really looking for Dad’s help much anymore. None too sure I was going to have much to look forward to. Not morbid, just fact. Couldn’t see me in that dating mode again. Too much water under the bridge, too many memories. I was caught in that whirlpool of self-pity and spiraling down toward depression. Next stop... Well, wasn’t real sure about that either. Had figured, if she could, she’d save me a good place for my rocking chair on a great big veranda somewhere. Was looking forward to that. Knew what lay ahead that way, just had trouble focusing my bifocals. I have always heard about second chances. Someone, somewhere who had made a mistake or two was to get a new beginning, slate rubbed clean, new watercolors to paint their canvas of life. I never made those mistakes, I didn’t think, so I didn’t need, want or deserve a second chance. I was happy with the first one. She was always there when I woke in the mornings and always there beside me when we killed the lights at night. Not a bad plan if you asked me. But... now that could be a big word (and some I’ve seen have been), she was my Goldilocks and the three bears, juuuust right. She prodded when I needed a push, she cradled me when the tears came and she always helped me see the light. Well, you get the picture. I could sing her praises from now till Doomsday but maybe I’ll just keep them under my breath lest this get a tad too mushy. Oh yeah, my second life. Where do I get to say Geronimo and pull my ripcord? Lord, save me from having to deal with a second life.

Robert Lea Lovejoy

We Did It

Yep, she's married off and with no rain but a heck of a lot of wind.  We survived.  It was an outdoor wedding and she and her sisters worked really hard to pull it off.  It was beautiful, despite the wind.  I even got to limber up the pipes and sing.  All was right with the world. 

New hubby is a nice kid and seems like he is ready to take good care of her.  She's gonna need that 'cause she is pregnant.  And then the big reveal.  The carving of the cake was to be the revelation of the gender for this new life, pink if a girl and blue if a boy.

Well, looks like another stinkin' boy to me!  But we'll love the little twerp all the same.  That'll be 6 grandsons and 1 granddaughter.  Man!  Found out from his dad that they have a little Indian blood in their history, Choctaw.  It oughta go well with her mother's bloodline, it's Cherokee.  Wish them a long and happy life together, as a rapidly expanding family.

Windy